You just had to click here, didn't you? FINE. Now YOU can deal with my mother!!!!!!!
Stuff my mother said:
"You know, you’d have no material without me. I want residuals."
After being asked whether she preferred my hair straight or curly:
"Straight....We don't talk about it." (Mothers Day 2006)
After my new sunglasses that I bought in San Diego broke:
"Well, who buys sunglasses in San Diego? Nobody buys sunglasses in San Diego."
To the usher who walked her to her theatre seat to see me in the Vagina Monologues:
"If you only knew the agony."

Every hour on the hour:
"I’m so dizzy. It’s never been this bad."
Everyday she calls and says re: the kids:
"So, they don’t want to talk to me?"
After I grabbed Ben’s face and gave him a big kiss on the lips:
"You know, I don’t like that kind of kissing. I just don’t go for it."